I want to marry a horse someday


Did you know that August 1st is the “horse birthday? “That’s right. Every horse, ever, has the exact same birthday in the southern hemisphere, with the aim of standardizing horse-related sporting events. Happy birthday, all horses!

To celebrate this special day, we have prepared a story for you – it’s a love story. About a girl standing in front of a horse asking her to love her. And it all starts with lame homophobic comments from an Australian senator.


This beating horse is made of AF metal

Senator Cory Bernardi and I share the same birthday (which is November 6 for those of you who would like to buy me precious jewelry. Or even Bernardi a gift, I guess. I don’t know your weird life. Other than that, I would say the only thing Senator Cory Bernardi and I have in common is that we both think LOT about gay people.

For different reasons.

Before entering politics, Bernardi was a talented rower, who represented Australia in rowing. Ironically, Bernardi would definitely hate the Roe deer v Wade decision that legalized abortion in America. Because he is a devout Catholic. He is very religious.

Either way, Bernardi has bad opinions on many different topics. He expressed closed and intolerant views on issues of Islam, Indigenous Australians, climate change, issues of domestic violence. He is also homophobic. But worst of all, he never made a self-referential joke about “The Cory Hotline” episode of The simpsons.

However, as the old saying goes, “Rebecca Shaw does a great job with this think tank and everyone is having a good time and most people fall in love with her.” But compared to what I’m actually talking about, the old adage is “even a broken clock is okay twice a day”. Or in Cory’s case, “even a broken man is right once in his life.”

And my friends, enemies and enemies, he was right about that one thing.

In 2012, Bernardi resigned from the political forum after discussing the slippery slope of same-sex marriage, saying: “There are even some scary people who say that it is normal to have relationships between humans and animals. it will be a future step? In the future it will be said, ‘These two creatures love each other and maybe they should be able to form a union.’ I think these things are the next step . ”

Before we continue, it’s really funny to add the words’Top 2: the streets suite ‘after each time he says step. Like that:

“There are even some creepy people who say it’s good to have relationships between humans and animals. Will that be a future? Stage 2: the streets after?

But yes, Cory is right. I want to marry an animal someday. But that has nothing to do with same-sex marriage or the destruction of heterosexuality. It will only be a bonus.

When I was young I was what you would call a “girl on horseback”. It’s not some monstrous half-horse / half-girl hybrid that formed as a result of a chemical spill. Instead, she’s a girl who just loves horses. A girl who read The saddle club books religiously because she liked to imagine that she had a horse. And friends.

It’s a girl who had horse posters on the wall in her bedroom, instead of sexy celebrities like Hanson… I mean celebrities who won’t reveal my age. You know, popular celebrities of recent times that young people like to cool, like the Jonas Boys or Dat Boi, or Alexander Hamilton.

But in all sincerity. Why would not you want to marry a horse if the horse wants to marry you? If you love an animal and an animal loves you, it can only really hurt you by dying or running away. Humans can hurt you in so much other means than that. AND if your boyfriend or girlfriend dies or runs away, you can’t just go and get the same except the younger one from the RSPCA. You are faced with an entirely new human being who has their own “agency” and “free will”. Gross.

Horse breeding, amirite?
Credit: giphy

Plus, everyone knows that dogs are better than humans. They are so loyal, friendly, and fun to be around and they don’t judge you. And they just want to love you unconditionally. They have a shiny coat and they will eat any vomit you throw up out of your mouth no questions asked, and they will like it. Try to find a man who will do this!

Cats … cats will allow you to be independent and they won’t even care if you never come home and they won’t text you all the time asking you where you are because they don’t. not even know how to use a phone or have a concept of you being somewhere else and what that even means. AND they’ll likely eat your body if you die alone in your house. Try to find a man who will do this! Well, you probably could – but don’t.

I don’t know what kind of horse I’m going to marry yet, but I think I’ll recognize him when I find him. I am open-minded, but I have my fantasies, like all of us women. I am a Charlotte.

I see him now, my future beautiful horse-husband and me. I can not wait. His beautiful flowing locks are waved by the summer breeze as he gallops home after I send him to the stores to buy me some ice cream. He can carry SO MANY calippos on his strong horse, and he gets them home so fast.

And we’re going to do a bit where I ask him if he wants to do a bit and he’ll act confused because the thing that goes in a horse’s mouth is called a bit, and it’ll be a new ‘that’s at the first thing ‘except that it will be me and my horse-husband and our bit that we will do together. We could even go on Australia has a talent for cross-species pairs.

Cory Bernardi is afraid that same-sex couples are equal to everyone, and that’s why he brings up the idea that people want to marry animals if same-sex marriage is legalized. It’s his attempt to dehumanize queer people by equating their relationships with people who marry animals.

But Cory, same-sex couples should be able to get married, and I should being able to marry an animal, once we figure out how to read their minds and know that they want to, too, because consent is important.

Imagine the weddings everyone will be invited to! The groomsmen can do the actual grooming. Hen nights can feature real hens, and possibly roosters of some description. If someone marries a cow, instead of saying “yes”, they can say “I moo”. It’s hilarious.

So yes, Cory Bernardi is right. I want to marry an animal someday. Horse. And then, I will finally be what I always knew I would become. A baby in the sheets: pig in the city.

This piece was originally read aloud by Rebecca Shaw on the Nailed it! Podcast.

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